I don't think I've done a full twenty minute savasana since before Chris died. Now that's a confession. During my yoga teacher training, I drank up the Kool-aid that savasana is the hardest, yet most important part of any yoga practice. Twenty minutes is just enough time for your body to relax and heal. I used to picture my cells relaxing and healing on the molecular level, mentally imagining telomeres pulling DNA apart as cells divided. Of course, because I am a scientist. Twenty minutes is just long enough to get to that place between awake and asleep and be present in that place for a moment. Ten minutes is just about all I can give these days to savasana and even then there are times I just give up and stop the timer before the chimes can go off. The irony is that most days, I would pay money to be able to just lay down for twenty minutes.
Savasana, corpse pose, is the practice of dying. I've heard some people take it as far as to mentally say goodbye to people and places, even their bodies, while in savasana. I've done that. I've said my goodbyes and sure, it's good practice for having to say goodbyes in the real world. I'll admit that it has come in handy. Recently (?), the things that bubble up in my brain while trying to play dead has shoved the ritual of saying goodbye over to the wayside. I have conversations with people where I tell them exactly how they make me feel. I have whole dialogues where I stand up for myself and I don't let who ever it is talk to me or treat me a certain way. In these conversations, I am sharp and eloquent. I get my point across. I make that person realize that their words and or actions are hurtful with out invoking useless blanket words like "you're just an asshole". Instead, I make them understand why they are an asshole. When I should be dying, I am addressing grievances that have happened days ago, weeks ago, years ago. Some of those grievances get me so riled up that I can't lay still and I don't even try to.
Many of you are thinking that this probably is not a good use of my yoga time. I don't know. Maybe. But there's the occasion when I say my piece and I get it all out there and it doesn't matter that it wasn't heard by the one who caused the grievance. Truth be told, it wouldn't make a difference to that person anyway. It is just enough that I said the words. It is enough for me to just say "hey, this hurt my feelings and here's why." This is enough to allow me to let that grievance go, to say goodbye to that particular grievance. It has taken me some time to come to terms with this. I have grievances that I just need to let go of and when I die there will be grievances that I will have to say goodbye to whether I'm ready or not. I am thankful to recognize this as part of the practice. I am thankful to recognize that even though I seem to have a lot of grievances right now, I will let those go. I will get back to twenty minute savasanas. Some day.
I am thankful that our cat, Albus loves us so much. He left us a dead rat in the middle of the dinning room on Wednesday. He's so thoughtful to have killed it for us this time. I am thankful for the dozen eggs I have to take to my mother this weekend. I am thankful to able to getaway for a visit with my family even if it will be brief. Michael spent part of his Spring Break taking care of the vehicles. I am thankful that he went to the DMV for my tags and that he took my car to get an oil change. I am thankful for Greek yogurt and walnuts. I am thankful for the time spent on my yoga mat. I am always thankful for you.
Here's to a lovely weekend and truly Thankful Friday!