I WALK THE LINE

February. That's my month. That's the month where all the memories of the past come swirling around and crashing into each other. That's the month where I feel that frantic need to just hold it together, for the love of Pete, just keep everything "normal". I feel the panic I felt then, the panic that came with the realization that all of this was real and there was nothing I could do about it. Chris was going to die. That's it. Get used to it. Take the time you've got left, which is very little, and make the most of it. There was a panic in that too. Making the most of the time left. It was like having a to-do list with too many things to do. Overwhelming. February is overwhelming. 

I suppose I have gotten used to it. I've gotten used to him not being here any way. With the exceptions of things that remind me of him. I'm sure he'd have a lot to say about the remake of the Ghostbusters and the all female cast. I can't imagine his feelings about the new Star Wars movies. But it's little things like these that pop up and make me want to ask "hey...what do you think Chris?" Except he's not around to ask. This used to make me fall to pieces. Completely undo me. Now it's just an annoyance and this where the line comes in. It should be more than an annoyance, but how do I reconcile this without hurting the feelings of the one I'm with now. Hey, I love you, but I also love this other man that I used to be with. It's not like we fell out of love or decided that things were not working out between us. We were both still in love when he left. Well, that love just doesn't go away. I don't even wish that it would. 

It just seems unfair. On both sides. There was a day a couple of weeks ago when I was I really sick. I was laying on the couch staring glassy eyed at the TV, watching Blended. Adam Sandler's character was tucking his youngest daughter in to bed and she asked him when he was going to meet another girl. The little girl was so matter of fact and Adam chuckled about how that was what her mother talked about all the time. Who was he going to date when she died? And this is how I found myself ugly crying through an Adam Sandler movie. These are things we never discussed, probably because Chris figured it didn't need discussion. Well of course, you'll meet someone and move on. That's a given. I remember when Melissa met Richard and before we knew it they were engaged. I was shocked by how fast it all went down. Chris treated it as a non-issue. Time shmime. He said "life's unpredictable. why should she wait?" I agreed completely. Of course he was right. I was just "wow that's fast". Which is funny because my situation was fast. Life's unpredictable. 

I'm pretty sure if you looked back in the archives, I wrote this entry last year. I've got five stories and they just keep repeating in a loop. Just like dad. Except my stories don't include chicken fried steak. It's a common theme around these parts. It's just that I've gotten so good a this tight rope act. I can even do that trick where you balance the chair on the rope and then do a handstand in the chair. February is that inner ear infection that messes with my balance. It's that sudden gust of wind that catches the umbrella I'm dancing with causing me to windmill my arms around trying not to fall. February is my vertigo, making the rope seem higher than it actually is. February is an asshole.