Last night I dreamed that Chris and I were preparing for a big move. I interviewed with a strange group of people that reminded me of characters from Real Genius, but it was an amazing prestigious place and I was thrilled with the idea of working there. As we packed up boxes, Chris told me that he was dying. He said that he didn't have much longer and we needed to hurry and find me a place to live. The dream is a bit hazy after that. I remember walking with Chris, my hand in his. I remember us both being happy about the new job. I remember crying a lot and wondering how I was going to do any of this without him.
It's funny that there are times still in my subconscious that wonders how I can go on and be after Chris. Obviously I am doing just fine and dandy. I guess sometimes when I'm having those Chris dreams, I'm looking for some sign or words or something from him to reassure me that I'm doing things right. I know that everyone out there would say "of course Chris wants you to be happy" and "he wouldn't want you to be alone". These are things that we think the dead would want for us living folk. The truth is I don't really know what Chris would want for me. We never discussed it. In those final weeks, we laid in bed talking and laughing about everything not important. We talked about cremation but not what comes after. That's it really. We didn't talk about how my life or what life was going to be like after him. For all I know, Chris is furious that I've moved forward so well, so quickly. Maybe not furious. Disappointed. Hurt that I could love another.
As painful as these Chris dreams are at times, I'm thankful for them. I don't have them often. At the end of the day, I don't have much left of him but the version of him that comes to me in my dreams. In every dream there's a chance he'll tell me something important. There may come a day when he looks at me and finally says "Cindy, I approve of all of this". It's not that I need his approval really. It would just be nice to know, to really know, that he's happy for me. And not through some random sign like a scooter key. It would be nice to hear him say the words. I'd probably be happy with any words one way or another even if he's saying "I don't approve". Because this is a thing I know about Chris. He wasn't much for disapproval. It was more like whatever, it's your life, I don't really care. Any way. One day, whether he cares or not, he'll visit me in a dream and at least say "I'm happy for you". That dream will probably come the day I finally allow myself to be happy for me.
Happy Thankful Friday