He has all these stories of past loves. I only have one. I know that most people have had more than one love in their lives. But I have only had one. This scares me. It makes me think there’s something wrong with me, that I’ve never been able to open my heart up to anyone before Chris. And then I remind myself that I was nineteen when we met. Nineteen. I was so young. I’m pretty sure that I more than care for this man. This man that is not Chris. I’m struggling with what this means to me; reconciling with the idea of being able to say those words out loud. Those words hold so much weight and I don’t want to make the mistake of using them lightly. There’s also a part of me that feels guilty for feeling this way towards this man. It’s not fair that I should be able to have a second chance at love. What makes me so special that I get a second go around? Then I have friends who remind me that there are people out there who have had third, fourth and fifth chances. What makes these people more deserving than me?
Those three words have been rolling around in my brain for days, just threatening to fall out of my mouth involuntarily. The other day they were so loud and large in my head that I was sure he could see them scrolling across my forehead like ticker tape. The man bought a scooter. For the love of Pete, he bought a motherf*@#in scooter! We rode our scooters to dinner last Thursday. I was worrying about the things I’d written for Friday’s blog post. I was worrying about his feelings, his judgment of reading things about Chris. Would he worry that I would never be over Chris? Would he worry that there isn’t room for him? I told him not to read that entry and I told him why, voicing all of those worries. And before I could say anything else, he grabbed my hand, looked me straight in the eye and said “Cindy. You will never be over him.” I knew then.
But when do you say those words? What if it’s too soon? What if I hold onto those words for too long? I remember when Melissa announced that she and Richard were getting married. I remember worrying about how fast it all happened. Melissa said that life is too short and Chris agreed with her. He told me that she was was right and we shouldn’t worry about her. I’ve heard so many stories of people moving forward with love in such short time frames and every time I think “that’s so fast!”. Yet here I am, now on the other side of that window and I told him those three words.
Happy Love Thursday.