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Kansas City MO 64131






Cindy Maddera


New Year's Eve, I took down all my Christmas, washed clothes and put clean sheets on the bed, and I vacuumed the floors. I watched seasons 1 and 2 of Falling Skies. I made a veggie pot pie in my new dutch oven. I watched the ball drop in New York City and then went to bed at 11:30. That's how I rang in the New Year. No party, no drunken mess, no fireworks or hoopla or hollering. Just me quietly acknowledging the end of a year. And it was good. I feel that quietly bringing in the New Year helped to set a tone for the year or at least for how I see the year. The beginning of 2012 rolled forward with the sound of a freight train. I was running from hospital to work to home to shit in my basement. I felt like I never stopped moving and that there was a constant roaring in my brain. There was no stillness or peace, just a continuous state of terror. This year, I'm relishing in the stillness and quiet. I woke up New Year's day hangover free, made myself a good breakfast and shoveled snow from my driveway. I took extra time in the shower with exfoliating scrubs and lotions. I went to a movie and I ate our traditional New Year's Day meal of Indian food.

And yes, to some people, it may look lonely. But I don't mind being alone. Being alone is easy. Being without Chris is the hard part and that will never get easier (sorry's something that is un-fixable). But I have gotten used to his physical absence. I have grown accustomed to solitary and I love that I could set the tone of the New Year in my own solitary way. I love that I could begin the year on my terms, with my own rules.