I'm having a really hard time staying present in this moment. My brain keeps jumping ahead to things to come, plans for the next year and how to organize myself for all of it. I just can't help myself. Last week I had a massage/healing with a wonderful lady named Jeana. It was a Groupon I'd purchased months and months ago, but due to scheduling she couldn't get me in until Dec 6th. I say it's a massage/healing because part of the session was spent talking about what's causing the tension in my shoulders and the rest of the session was the actual massage to get rid of the tension in my shoulders. During the talking part of the session Jeana recommended that I make a list of twenty things that I enjoy doing or want to do and then get out there and do them. The idea was to do social things that would get me out and meeting new people, like take a class or volunteer or start teaching yoga again. These are things I had already started thinking about for next year, but it also made me think about the Life List. Once a year I usually sit down and edit the Life List. I may take something off the list that I'm really not all that gung ho to do any more and replace it with something that sounds more fun (to me). I may make an edit to an actual item by changing the terms or conditions. But this year, I didn't do that. Every time I thought about doing it, I remembered that I had #79 on that list. When Chris and I came home from the oncologist's on the day they told us that there was nothing we could do to fix Chris, we made a list of things we needed to do and started on a list of things we wanted to do. Things fell apart when we started on the list of things we wanted to do. The idea that we wouldn't be able to do those things together was just too much to think about. It's the same problem I've had with the Life List. Even though #79 is the only item on the list that specifically includes Chris; all of the other things are things that I just assumed Chris would be involved in. So attempting to make any kind of edit to the list has been like running into a brick wall.
When Jeana mentioned making the 20 things list, I decided it was time to at least look at my Life List. I know there's got to be at least 20 things on that list that would get me out and about. It's just that the realization that I don't need Chris to do any of those things is bitter sweet. I never needed Chris in order to do anything on the list except #79, and I admit that one was a total cheat. I just wanted him to be a part of it whether he liked it or not. The things on the list are still things I want to do. There are some changes I'd like to make to it and I will do that soon. But for now, I'm planning to pull twenty things from that list to work on in the next year. I think 2013 will be the year of self discovery.