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Kansas City MO 64131






Cindy Maddera


Tuesday morning as I sat in meditation mentally kicking aside grumbles that plagued my brain, the phrase "be willing" passed across the front of my eyes. Part of me laughed at this. Be willing? I feel like I'm always willing. Willing to try the new thing. Willing to give people the benefit of the doubt. Willing to work hard. Willing to give in to the things I don't want to do. But there are things I am generally not willing to do as well. I will never willingly admit defeat even when I know there's no possible way of winning. I will never be willing to admit that I need help or be willing to ask for it when I need it. Some times I am unwilling to let go of the grumbles that plague my brain and some times I am unwilling to accept that I can not fix everything. I am sure that this is the reason those words passed like ticker tape across my brain. I have been trying to figure out how to hold onto while simultaneously letting go. This is like Hooper's retractable leash. It lets him have the illusion of freedom without him actually having the freedom to chase that car down the street (he totally would if I let him). It's pretend and I am pretending that I can let go and hold on at the same time. I've always been so good at compartmentalizing everything. My head matches my basement. Everything gets neatly organized and put in sections, but nothing ever really gets tossed. I have a whole stack of things in the basement that I've put in what I call the "garage sale section". It's been there for months just waiting for that right time to have a sale except there never seems to be a right time.

I need to be willing to truly let things go. I need to be willing to find the important things to hold onto and let the rest just go. Subconsciously I know that this load is getting too heavy, that I'm holding on to too much. Even my words lately. It feels like it's taken days to write this entry and the urge to just not write or delete what I have written has been so great. Each sentence has been like pulling teeth. I need to be willing to let go of those words trapped in my head. Lately I've noticed that I've been putting things off with the intent of starting anew in the New Year. "Next year I will...". I forget about right now. So I think, for right now, I'm going to be willing.

What about you? What are you willing to do or not do?