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Kansas City MO 64131






Cindy Maddera


I realized today that September is already almost over (it's not...I just feel like it is). A friend and I where talking about this special thing that's being shipped to my house on the 28th (you have to wait for that story) and I said "That's next Friday!" and he was like "yeah...this year is almost over". I looked at him and asked if he thought next year would be better than this year. He looked at me in all seriousness and said "yes". The Cindy on the outside smiled a warm smile and repeated his yes, but the Cindy on the inside crumpled to the floor in a heap of tears of relief that maybe, just maybe this was possible. It felt like the realization of the nearing of the end of September shoved the ball down the hill. I can swirl my arms around and see in the coming weeks visits from friends and trips to see friends and new adventures with new friends. I suddenly feel like I'm being shoved forward into the front of the mosh pit and it's terrifying and exhilarating all at the same time. I don't know if this feeling happens every time Fall comes swooshing in or this is the first time I've noticed it. Maybe it's the first time I've noticed it. It's more than just a change of season. I haven't quite put my finger on what it is exactly, but it's definitely a feeling of things in motion, a feeling that something's going to happen. Something good.

I'm slightly in love with this anticipation right now. I usually get anxious over anticipating anything new, good or bad. I fret about how to make the good things better and how to fix the bad stuff. I'm always trying to figure out how to fix something for someone other than me. How can I make it better? After Chris's final diagnosis this need to fix things went into overdrive. Even though I knew what was coming, I thought maybe if did enough research and worked hard enough I could fix this. And even though Chris knew that all my efforts where futile, he went along with it not because he believed in any of it, but because he knew that I needed to believe it. This moment right now is different. I don't feel the need to fix or improve. There is not that constant bubble of panic sitting just to the right of my heart. There is only a slight buzzing of excitement, a tension in my limbs like a well strung harp. There is only the anticipation of the enjoyment to be had.

Happy Love Thursday.