“I would like to become tolerant without overlooking anything, persecute no one even when all people persecute me; become better without noticing it; become sadder, but enjoy living; become more serene, be happy in others; belong to no one, grow in everyone; love the best, comfort the worst; not even hate myself anymore.”-Elias Canetti This week I've been plagued by the symptoms of being a woman. This is not something I usually complain or talk about because it's never been that bad for me. But this week has been specifically unpleasant and the worse symptom of all is this completely exhausted feeling. Last week I wasn't sleeping because, well, I wasn't sleeping. This week I'm sleeping like a hibernating bear. My bones are made of lead and the tissue that encases them consists of bags of tar. The air and everything around me is made of mud and trudging through it all is exhausting and I just want to lie down after typing those last two sentences. This week I feel I am a walking cliche, a Cathy from the comic strip and I don't like it one bit. And I think this is why I've been quiet this week. I'm afraid that every thing I type here or there will just come out sounding like a criticism or a complaint. So I haven't said anything. I didn't even advertise my last blog entry.
I was even pretty sure I'd have nothing to share for Love Thursday. Then, the other night, I sat in the backyard with Hooper. The sun hadn't set completely. It wasn't light, but it wasn't dark. I had taken my camera with me because I hadn't picked it up and actually used it in some time. I sat in the lawn chair for a bit, not moving, barely breathing, but watching. And then the fireflies started to rise up out of the ground. One by one. Tiny lights flickering on and off. Then I heard a squeak and looked up just in time to see a couple of bats flit by. A soft breeze moved through the air rustling the leaves. I looked over where I'd mowed over the old garden. I could see that the chard was coming back even though I thought I'd pulled it all up and mowed over what I hadn't. Resilient.
Happy Love Thursday.