I've had to let go of the idea that I needed to do my yoga practice in the morning and accept the idea of doing my practice when I get home. You would think that this is a no brainer, yoga at 6AM vs yoga at 5PMish, but I am a creature of habit and routine. The reason yoga had to happen in the mornings is because after work, once at home, I'd just want to be lazy with Chris or fix dinner or both. I couldn't take an hour of home time and waste it on yoga. But mornings were my time. Every one else in the house would still be asleep. Mornings, I didn't feel the need to take care of any one but me. I don't know how many times I've heard and spoken the phrase "attachment causes suffering". In this case it's not my attachment to routine that's been causing all the suffering. My suffering attachment wasn't necessarily due to a change in routine. No, what I needed to learn to get used to was that all time is mine. And the attachment to the idea that all time is not mine has been the hardest to let go of. It's hard getting used to knowing that the person I'm responsible for is me and the dog. So when the 5 AM alarm went off and I just couldn't get out of bed, I started telling myself that I could just do my practice when I get home in the evening. But then I'd feel really guilty for not getting up and doing my practice. I would set myself up as a failure right then with that 5 AM alarm.
So far this week, I have made a connection with my yoga mat every day this week. I have survived two 20 min savasanas without falling asleep or melting into tears and all of this has happened in the evening. It's hard. My first instinct when I walk through that front door after work is not to kick off my shoes and jump onto my mat. Actually, I do want to kick off my shoes, but would rather lay down on my bed. But I've learned a trick. I don't make my practice the first thing that I have to do when I get home. I take my time. Check the mail. Change my clothes. And then I get the mat out. Sort of like easing into a pool. I will admit that Tuesday that voice in the back of my head was doing a really good job at telling me how tired I was and how I should go on and start dinner. But I sighed heavily and unrolled my mat, releasing that voice to go bug someone else.
Last night, as I got ready to head to yoga class, storm clouds started brewing. I worried because I was on the scooter and thought maybe I should just head home. But I didn't. I went to class and found so much joy in my practice. I'd look out every once in a while and see some angry looking clouds passing by, but that's all they did, just pass on by while I stayed safe and sound on my mat.
Happy Love Thursday.