Wednesday was a challenge and by the time I made it through yoga class and into savasana, the tears started to fall. They welled up behind my closed eyes and spilled down the sides of my head to leave little puddles on my mat. And they continued to fall as I rolled up my mat and loaded me car. They stopped as I pulled into the drive way. But then, my 12 year old dog decided he was really two and that he had the ability to fly. He bounded off the back step with such height and force that as he landed on his front legs, they fell out from underneath him. That's when he started yelping in pain and I had determined he had dislocated his shoulder. I rushed him to an emergency vet clinic and shakily filled out paper work as they took him back for x-rays. And then, I began to sob as the Vet told me that my dog was just fine. No broken bones. No dislocated shoulder. Just a little arthritis and a bruised elbow. Is it any wonder what I have to be thankful for today? I am thankful that Hooper is OK. In fact, he's feeling so much better now, he doesn't even limp. But I'm also thankful for the Vet with the kind eyes that understood my blubbering and was able to grasp that I had already lost one thing so dear to my heart, that the thought of losing another had turned me into a mess.
I am also thankful for a return to a routine. It may seem at times that I'm on autopilot. Go to work. Walk the treadmill. Get on my mat. Cook my meals. Rhythm. Routine. But this routine gives me a task and keeps my mind busy so that when the bad moments come, they're manageable. I feel like because I've completed task one and two, I can reward myself with a giving in to the grief. Which is silly, I know. But I've never been one to wallow. Even in a time like this. I try to think of the things Chris would want. I know he'd want me to feel sad that he's gone, but I also know that he'd hate it if I just gave in and stopped being me, stopped being the woman he loved. Staying true to myself is more important now than it ever was. And I'm thankful for these moments of clarity.
As always, I am thankful for you. I feel every word of encouragement and love as if it's really your hand pressing into my back. It gives me strength and joy. You remind me to laugh and you give me permission to do things like purchase a washer and dryer. A task that I plan on taking care of this weekend.
Have a blessed weekend and a very, very Thankful Friday.