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Cindy Maddera

I know I said I was a taking a break from the blog, but here I sit, all alone at the Picasso Cafe, with Internet, a cup a coffee and peace and I thought it seemed like a good time to put some thoughts down. I have to say, this trip hasn't been everything we dreamed it to be. Chris's illness has put a damper on things making our visits with friends brief. He's so disappointed and frustrated and mad about all the things he hasn't been able to eat. Because he's not eating, I forget to eat. Yesterday around 4:00 in the evening, I realized I hadn't anything to eat since a donut that morning. I settled for a fast-food bean burrito. Not my best choice. This morning, I woke up late and decided to treat myself to lunch at Picasso's even if it meant eating alone. But despite it all, the illness, the doing things alone, all of it, I have to say I'm still pretty happy. I can't help it. I. Am. Happy. Sometimes I feel guilty for saying it. Actually, I feel really guilty for saying it out loud. There is so much talk of finding happiness these days, countless books devoted to the art and pursuit of happiness. I'm beginning to wonder if there's a book for the aftermath. How do you deal with happiness once you've finally obtained it? How to control the joy that sometimes feels like it's just going to burst free from your chest? How to just allow yourself to be happy even when some of those around you are not?

I think my lesson for the coming year will be learning to be OK with myself being happy. I know where the guilt comes from. Sometimes I feel that it's not fair that I'm this happy, so I feel guilty. Or I worry that if I'm allowed to be happy, what might be waiting in the wings to take that away? If the Universe sees me this happy, will it conspire against me? Yes, that will be another goal for 2012: learning to shed the guilt and worry and just enjoy being happy. No apologies happy.

Happy, happy, happy New Year.