I think it's been a while since I've had this feeling about the holidays. In fact, it's been so long, that I'm finding a hard time naming that feeling. We picked up a Christmas CD over the weekend (T insisted) and it has Christmas songs on it by The Pretenders, Willa Ford, and The Ramones. But the one we play over and over and over is Someday at Christmas by Remy Zero. It feeds into the mixed up emotions that I have over this holiday season.
The other night, when I hung Babar on the tree, I couldn't help it. The tears just came and spilled over. It's been so long since we'd put up a tree, so long since we'd done something so homey. We've never moved past the "this is temporary" phase of living with Chris's Mom, which is good, because it is temporary. But it's hard. Most of our things are in storage and I still tip-toe around the kitchen. I miss things. I miss my plates and dishes that my mother made us. I miss my pots and pans. I miss knowing where things are and not having to go on treasure hunts to find kitchen gadgets that randomly disappear. I miss the normalcy of having a home, a home of our own. Putting up that tree helped a wee bit in that department.
This time of year, I always feel like a rambley bundle of emotions. I still feel that child like wonder at seeing all the Christmas lights. I get giddy at singing along with the Christmas songs on the radio. But it's all mixed up with moments of sad and a bit of regret. Last night on the way home the words "I miss J" clearly danced through my brain and then floated away. Then we stopped and picked up our Christmas Cards and I was all giddy and happy and excited. It's like a roller coaster. I'm a mixed bag of contentment in my present moment and disgruntlement at where I am in my present moment.
Maybe I'll make that my mantra for this month.