But I have a confession. I’m tired. I’m the kind of tired that when I lay down to sleep, I’m too tired to close my eyes or move my body. This morning, with a very heavy and steady rain pouring down, was nearly an impossible morning. And the road rage the burbled up from my belly on the way into work came pouring out my mouth with toxic words not even a drunken sailor would use (I don’t understand why people here refuse to get into the turn lane when making a turn. It’s a perfectly good turn lane.). Any way…let’s just say I’ve reached toddler-needs-nap-or-melt-down-in-3-2-1 state. But it’s Friday! Which means I really can take a nap when I get home! I don’t have to prepare dinner or lunch or get things ready for the next day. I do need to vacuum….but my house is small. I don’t have to worry about peeling my body out of bed at the sound of the alarm clock. Sleeeeeeppppp! I’m gonna do that. I am so thankful.

I am thankful for the friends coming to visit this weekend. I am thankful for the rain. I am thankful for the wonderful care packages and cards being sent in our direction. I am forever grateful and thankful for all of you. Happy weekend and Thankful Friday.

You know what else reinforces that connection? The Internet. Sweet Suebob got out her bullhorn on Twitter and the lovely Kizz put out a call and people sent out some serious good vibes. And we had a really good day followed by another pretty good day. Most of those vibes came from strangers. I don’t know them and they don’t really know me. But they came. See? We are all connected. Words of encouragement mean just as much from a stranger as they do from your own mother. And when you receive it, you pass it on.

We’ve been asked many times if we believe in prayer. We do. Maybe we don’t say traditional prayers in our home, but we do take time to acknowledge to power of connections, the good in our lives. Prayer is just another form of that good energy. And we’ll take it. We’ll take a little for ourselves and pass on what we can to others in need. Today, I love all of you, friends and strangers alike.

Happy Love Thursday!

But then I started thinking “what if?”. What if we can get his liver functioning? I’ve seen so many stories online in various health chat rooms of people with cirrhosis of the liver, and being on transplant lists, and livers riddled with tumors. I’ve read so many stories of the wonders of Alpha Lipoic Acid and Milk Thistle. One story I read was about a guy who had been told that he would die without a liver transplant. He walked with a cane. He started a regiment of ALA and Milk Thistle and now he runs every day. It’s hope I can buy into.

Last Thursday they went and replaced his drains with bigger ones. The procedure left him in a lot of pain and he still didn’t want to eat or drink anything and the last few days have been a constant battle. Battling the need and inability to take in nutrients. Battling pain. Battling to move. Battling to maintain some sort of hope. I begin to feel the darker worries set in. I worry my will for him to live is stronger than his own. I worry that tomorrow will be worse than today. I worry that I just don’t have enough super human strength to fix him.

And then we’ll have mornings like today. The kind of morning where the pain is manageable. The kind of morning where I get him to eat a whole carrot and some grapes and drink half a glass of Gatorade. The kind of morning where I feel like we’ve done something successfully. And we start to chug up that hill preparing for the next drop, curve or twist of the ride. And just maybe tomorrow will be better than today.

We spoke to hospice care this week, a talk that I thought would be depressing and downtrodden. Chris and I had already decided to not sign up for it until things got worse. But as our case worker talked about the program and the things that they provide, I realized that this was something we could use now. I realized that I needed the peace of mind that a nurse was going to come in and check on Chris once a week to make sure I wasn’t doing something wrong. Plus, I liked our case worker’s attitude. She was adamant about getting Chris up and moving and getting nutrition into him. She said that she wants the patients to live, not lay around giving in to death. Today, I am thankful for hospice care.

On the horizon, I can see a blip of light. I have some hope that we have more than months, but years left. I am more than thankful for that little blip of light. Hope your weekend is blessed and your Friday is thankful.

The reality is, I’m sad and cancer is now a major player in my life. That doesn’t mean that I’ve lost. I still have love. I still have Thursdays. I still have plenty of things that I do want. And you know what? I still have a little bit of hope. So I felt that even the slightest attempt at a Love Thursday entry was worth the effort. Because, you see, these entries are a practice. They are a practice in mindfulness and little bit of gratitude. They remind me to see the love and beauty that surrounds us. And we are surrounded.

Even though I cart my camera every where, I just haven’t been inspired to take it out and use it. So today, I thought it would be good to look back on older photos and maybe start choosing some things from the past.

Happy Love Thursday!

My original intention was to get up at 5 AM, take a camp style shower, go to work for a few hours and then come home to meet the plumber at 9 AM. But it was too easy to give in today. Today, I let myself sleep until almost seven. I took my camp style shower. I got on my yoga mat, something that hasn’t happened in over a week. I lingered over my breakfast. I peeled an orange for Chris.

Then, when Chris realized his wedding ring was missing, I searched until it was found. And when we realized it went missing because it’s too big for him now, I found a chain from an old necklace and placed it around his neck. Then I allowed myself to cry. Because today I am human.

So I am ever so thankful that Mom was able to drop everything and come and stay at our house. She was able to be there to let our former landlord in to fix the plumbing. She was there to be Hooper’s personal dog door. She made sure that I ate, that I slept, and that my laundry was done. She even took down my Christmas tree. I am thankful that she was able to be there and I am thankful that we were able to celebrate her birthday and take a moment to be happy.

Today is going to be a long day filled with more tests and a meeting with oncologists. Things are moving forward at an almost alarming rate. The speed is both frightening and reassuring. I’m thankful that things are moving ahead and moving closer to getting Chris better. I am thankful that Chris is home. I am thankful for all the wonderful words and love coming our way. I am thankful that Chris’s sister-in-law showed up just in time to cut Chris’s hair. Traci and I were about to do it and had every intention of using those right and left ear guards that came with the kit. His hair looks really good. I’m thankful.

Hope all is well and that you have a very thankful Friday.

We are a household of funny things. We laugh. That’s what we do. But after the very serious, very scary diagnosis, laughing came to a screeching halt. After a couple of days of things sinking in, I told Chris “enough! We laugh everyday!”. We laugh everyday! That’s the rule. Every day, no exception. Did you know there’s a rumor floating around that some guy cured his cancer by watching the Three Stooges? I can’t find much evidence that’s it’s true, but I choose to believe it really happened. I choose to believe that laughter truly is the best medicine.

So, do you know how to catch a unique rabbit? You ‘neaque up on it. And this is why that envelope of funny things is so important to me and why it’s my Love Thursday.

Happy Love Thursday!

Today was my day to begin to set things right. Today was my day to get the schedule and routine train back on the rails. I made a grocery list and a meal plan, bought groceries and went to the laundry mat. I cleaned and put things back where they belong. I made pancakes. All (maybe futile) attempts to regain a bit of normal.

I know the next few weeks, years even, are going to be filled with doctors, treatments, recovery from treatments, and rinse and repeat. Our days ahead are bound to be filled with crazy disruption. I also know that if I don’t gain some control over regaining our routine, cancer will be able to claim a tiny victory. And I’m in no mood to let cancer have any more points on it’s score board.

Today I bought flowers for my kitchen table. Today I picked up my camera for the first time in over a week. Today, I scored a point.

Chris is doing better. He still has internal shunts draining bile from his liver. His bilirubin levels are dropping and the liver doctor seems pleased with his progress. So they let him come home. You don’t know how ecstatic this makes me and him. He’s tired, but feeling better. Now, let’s talk tumors (we can pickle that). Chris’s tumor is in tricky spot on his liver. Right now, surgery is just not an option. The next step is chemo. We meet with the chemo doctors on Friday. Here’s what we want to happen. We want Chris to respond well to chemo and shrink that tumor. If they can shrink it down, then they could go in and remove it. This is the plan we are clinging to with every fiber of our beings.

First of all, I can’t thank you enough for all the kind thoughts and good juju you’ve been sending our way. The road ahead is going to be hard. Really hard. Harder then any thing I’ve ever had to deal with ever. And Chris and I are more than willing to give this a fighting chance. I’ve already threatened him with gallons of wheat grass juice. Things will be changing around here for sure. Hopefully for the better. Chris still stands by his belief that the Universe brought us to KCMO for a reason. The Universe just couldn’t be all that cruel to give us one year of awesome only to abandon us now. I think he’s right. Actually, I know he’s right.

We take each day as it comes. We rejoice in tiny triumphs. That’s just how we roll.