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THAT'S THAT

Cindy Maddera

Well..that's that. Yesterday I let Chris's domain name, Numbskullery, expire. I have all the content stashed away in a file on dropbox, so all is not lost. But when the notice came through from the hosting company, I felt the blow a little more than I had planned to and there was a moment of panic. I felt that all too familiar tightness in my chest and heat flush up into my face as the tears welled. Oh my God, what have I done!?!?! I sent a chat to Talaura. "Tell me I've done the right thing." She assured me that I had. I pulled it together after that, but for a moment I considered buying it back. He had a list of domains. BalisticNylons. FuckableRobots. Just to name two. But Numbskullery was the first. The beginning of it all. Numbskullery was the father of our blog family. The Patriarch. 

And I've let it go. Holy fuck.

Part of that holy fuck comes from standing on these new blog legs. They are as wobbly as a newborn foal's. In fact I was still under the impression that it would all just fall to shit when Numbskullery expired. I was positive I'd done something not quite right around here somewhere. Forgot to dot an i or cross a t. I am the Queen of self doubt. But, by all tense and purposes, things are still standing. Look how far I've come! 

The days after Chris passed, I put on a pretty brave face. I set my chin up, but on the inside I couldn't guarantee that I wouldn't fall all to shit. There were days where I kind of did just that, laying on the couch, drooling into the pillow as I stared mindlessly at the TV. It's so hard to believe there can be any kind of life after that kind of loss. Yet here I am thriving. I am at times flabbergasted that the world didn't stop turning. These events have become to big for me to wrap my brain around and I hear the Talking Heads and I do ask myself "how did I get here?". Maybe the how is not as important as the just being here. And this entry has rambled so far off the path in order to avoid the truth.

Dumping that domain name was hard. Like H.A.R.D. hard. That domain name was such a part of Chris. I could get rid of the clothes, the Star Wars collectibles, the seemingly endless supply of Battle Star Galactica paraphernalia, his whole nerdy arsenal. It is his written words that hold me hostage. It will make me a hoarder of notebooks and computer hard drives. Reading it all is like dipping your fingers in hot wax, painful and soothing all at the same time. The problem with the domain name was that it didn't just pass on to me after Chris's death; it was passed on to all of us. There's guilt in taking that away from you. Yet, it is no longer a place that Chris can haunt. Exercising a small section of the internet. I'm sorry for it, but feel like I've done the right thing. 

He sure could spin a good yarn.