Saturday I received my Rare Seed catalog from Baker Creek Heirloom Seeds. I realize that you can look and shop for their seeds online, but the catalog is so beautiful. It's filled with wonderful pictures and descriptions and as I flipped through it I immediately wanted to grow EVERYTHING. Who wouldn't want to grow a black seeded ice cream watermelon?!? My seed list quickly out grew my garden space and I started thinking of growing things in undesignated areas. Like okra along the fence line. Trellises of beans up the side of the house. Artichokes in the front "flower" bed. (I put flowers in quotes because I have yet to do anything with the front of the house.) I do this every year, over plan the garden. I get carried away with varieties and exotics and end up planting things that I never eat. This year I vow to be smarter in my garden planting. There will be lots of leafy greens, potatoes and sweet potatoes, carrots and cauliflower. Maybe some parsnips. The catalog made me excited for Spring. I'm ready for warmer weather. I'm ready to dig in the dirt. I'm ready to ride my scooter. I feel like I'm ready for a lot of things. Over the Holiday, I had the chance to see my yoga teacher Karen for lunch. At one point in our conversation she said "It doesn't get easier." Those words released me. Up until that moment, I had been holding my breath, waiting. "It gets easier" is the thing people always tell you after a loss and there was a large part of me that wanted to believe this. Tomorrow will be better or next week. Just give it a few more months. Next year. Next year will be better. Except it is not. Sure there are parts of it that's easier. I've gotten the hang of taking care of myself and I'm used to being alone. But I still miss him just as much today as I did the day he left. Realizing that this is always going to be the case is where the "it gets easier" part comes in. I am content in my aloneness and though I say I am ready for a lot of things, I do not crave the dating scene. Maybe what I'm really ready for is to be OK with all of that.
And then it snowed on Wednesday and a chicken catalog arrived and I forgot all about gardening. Happy Love Thursday Folks!