I feel like the only bits of conversation I know how to share these days are how things used to be or lonely sad moments I’ve had to deal with. Like I’m not fit for socializing. I’m the depressed version of Eliza Doolittle’s first outing as a “lady”, where I’ll shock you all with a story of how my Aunt bit the bowl clean off the spoon (my Aunt never did this….it’s a line from the movie….I have to clarify because there are people who’ve never seen My Fair Lady….I know right?!?). I’ve never been a good social butterfly. I hate talking on phones. I’m terrible at inviting myself over to something. I tend to be a bit of a loner. I don’t mean to be, it just is what it is. I have to be approached or else if it’s the other way around, I feel like I’m bothering you. I have always been this way. I believe it’s called introversion. Hello. My name is Cindy Maddera and I am an introvert. All those times I appear to be outgoing are all times I’ve pushed myself to be outside of a comfort zone.

I think the events of this year sort of entitles me to a free pass to do whatever I want for the rest of the year. Part of me wants to be really irresponsible with this free pass and say “Fuck you World!”. This is the same self that would also delve into self destructive activities, like drinking straight from the wine box (yeah, box). This self wears black combat boots and walks around just holding her middle finger in the air, flipping off everything and everyone because she doesn’t care, man (remind me to turn off the Morrissey for a while). Any way. Free Pass. The usually-responsible-do-everything-the-way-you’re-supposed-to self takes the free pass a little more seriously. This is the person that says “yes, I can do whatever I want, but only in a good healthy cathartic way”. She’s the one that gets all the accolades for being so great and strong and awesome. Needless to say, she makes Fuck You Girl roll her eyes. A lot. But they both realize that I need to make more of an effort on the friend front. It would probably be a good idea if not all of my friends were internet friends.

So here’s the plan. I’m going to treat this summer like I’m away at camp (kind of a sucky camp), meaning I’ll brush up on social things like what’s happening in this season of True Blood and whatever Kim Kardashian (not really). I will teach myself to talk about other things and be hip with the now. At the end of summer I will have groomed myself enough to get out there and socialize, maybe meet some new people. Make some new friends. Get myself out there. That’s what I’ll do. I’ll be Madame Social Butterfly.

I’ll get started on this right after I take this nap.