The other day I stopped into the nearest grocery store to get some cheese and bread. I paused in front of the dairy case before heading over to bread isle thinking I might pick up a bottle of banana milk and there it was: blue milk. I read the top and it said “cotton candy flavored”. As I stood there contemplating, I heard Chris in the back of my brain say “get it”. Except it came out more like “gitit” because that’s an inside joke we had. First of all I knew Chris would want that blue milk because of Star Wars. Bantha milk is blue (I looked it up). But I also knew he’d want me to get because he knew how much I loved cotton candy. If we went to any kind of event that was selling cotton candy, Chris would immediately ask me if I wanted any. And when I’d demurely squeak out a mousy “no”, he’d buy me a bag because he knew when my “no” meant “yes”. So I bought the milk. That was the first step, because with that milk the dark cloud started to lift just a little bit. Sunshine began to poke through holes in the cloud. And that milk tasted like rainbows and marshmallows.

I need permission to buy things. I will see something that I like or want, but will not buy it. Chris always took care of that. He gave me permission to nice things for myself, to buy something that I didn’t necessarily need, but wanted. I’m learning to do that for myself in tiny steps. It makes it easier when I know Chris is in the back of my brain or looking over my shoulder.

What’s something nice you’ve bought for yourself this week?