Wednesday was a challenge and by the time I made it through yoga class and into savasana, the tears started to fall. They welled up behind my closed eyes and spilled down the sides of my head to leave little puddles on my mat. And they continued to fall as I rolled up my mat and loaded me car. They stopped as I pulled into the drive way.
But then, my 12 year old dog decided he was really two and that he had the ability to fly. He bounded off the back step with such height and force that as he landed on his front legs, they fell out from underneath him. That’s when he started yelping in pain and I had determined he had dislocated his shoulder. I rushed him to an emergency vet clinic and shakily filled out paper work as they took him back for x-rays. And then, I began to sob as the Vet told me that my dog was just fine. No broken bones. No dislocated shoulder. Just a little arthritis and a bruised elbow. Is it any wonder what I have to be thankful for today? I am thankful that Hooper is OK. In fact, he’s feeling so much better now, he doesn’t even limp. But I’m also thankful for the Vet with the kind eyes that understood my blubbering and was able to grasp that I had already lost one thing so dear to my heart, that the thought of losing another had turned me into a mess.
I am also thankful for a return to a routine. It may seem at times that I’m on autopilot. Go to work. Walk the treadmill. Get on my mat. Cook my meals. Rhythm. Routine. But this routine gives me a task and keeps my mind busy so that when the bad moments come, they’re manageable. I feel like because I’ve completed task one and two, I can reward myself with a giving in to the grief. Which is silly, I know. But I’ve never been one to wallow. Even in a time like this. I try to think of the things Chris would want. I know he’d want me to feel sad that he’s gone, but I also know that he’d hate it if I just gave in and stopped being me, stopped being the woman he loved. Staying true to myself is more important now than it ever was. And I’m thankful for these moments of clarity.
As always, I am thankful for you. I feel every word of encouragement and love as if it’s really your hand pressing into my back. It gives me strength and joy. You remind me to laugh and you give me permission to do things like purchase a washer and dryer. A task that I plan on taking care of this weekend.
Have a blessed weekend and a very, very Thankful Friday.
Cindy, you have got to be one of the strongest people I know…I didnt know Chris but I can feel the love you had for him. Tears rolling down my face…
Love you.
Thankful today for a wonderful daughter and that mr hoop is ok and it definately time for a washer and dryer. Love to both of you
Oh my, if I had tried to do any yoga when I was freshly grieving, I think I would have dissolved into a puddle on the mat. Just keep on keeping on and you’ll get there.
I love you Cindy, and grouchy old Hooper. He is having a rough time, too. His heart was just overjoyed when you got home that day, and it got the best of his common sense.
Washers and dryers: I have been trying to avoid weighing in on this topic, but I can hold back no longer. I loathe my washer. It is expensive and fancy-pantsy and one of those front-loading low-water-using kinds. Rarely has a week gone by when I have NOT wanted to beat it with a baseball bat. It thinks it’s so smart. It thinks it is smarter than I am. For instance, I wanted to soak some things in HOT water. I could not figure out how to do it. Read the manual. Dug around on the internet message boards. Found a second, secret manual on the internet. It said something like, “soaking things in hot water is often bad for them, therefore, our washer does not permit this. You may soak your materials in warm water or cold water only.” I about lost my mind, I tell you, I was so angry. I wound up making Tom get out the wrench and change the inputs in the back of the washer, so that hot went into cold and cold went into hot so that I could trick it into soaking things in hot. Even then, I was afraid it would detect what we’d done and refuse to fill with hot water. It didn’t catch on, though.
Then there’s the whole “ha ha, I won’t open my doors!” thing it does. Sometimes you need to get into the washer immediately. I understand that because it’s front-loading, opening the door abruptly could mean water spills out onto the floor. I’m willing to press “Stop/Cancel” and wait about 15 seconds for the water level to drain so that I can open the door, but NOOOOOO. This thing makes you wait at least 60 seconds and I’ve timed it at up to 120. TWO MINUTES. If your BlackBerry is in there marinating, you want to get it out asap, you know what I mean? Or a piece of jewelry or something…sometimes you just NEED to get in. But it will not unlock the door until it’s good and ready. I investigated removing the locking mechanism but discovered in the nick of time that if you do that, the machine will detect that you’ve done it and refuse to wash clothes, period. I read the saga of a poor man who’d done that, and now he was telling the world on message boards about his tribulations. He’d had to have the entire door assembly replaced by a licensed repairman before the thing would agree to wash clothes again.
Jeesums, I just realized how much I’ve typed. And there is so much more I want to say. I should stop now, though. But click this link. I have dreams of reenacting this video, if only the stupid washer hadn’t been so expensive. But it was too costly, and now I’m saddled with it for the next 15 years.
http://youtu.be/nIIgy7KzE5I
Best of luck in your purchase and don’t buy one that’s too smart! Buy one that you can bend to your will!
I’m thankful today too. For you. For the Tribe. For the new members. perhaps even for the asshat that just sped down my street at the speed of light. . . because it’s a reminder that the beat goes on. And sometimes that’s just enough.
xoxo
Hooray to the vet that could give you good news. Hooray to Hooper, crazy dog. Hooray to you, you are an inspiration.
Wow. Great info on front loaders there Tiffany. I mean that. I just have a standard old fashioned washer. Never had a single problem with it.
Did have the washing machine drain pipe clog once. Found out that lint builds up in the pipe, so you need a lint catcher between the hose & the pipe.
You are doing amazing Cindy. I finally think I feel like you were right. Everything is going to be okay.
Love, love, love to you.
I agree that routine is its own kind of therapy, but it doesn’t hurt to let go and grieve once in a while. Even now, 4 years after Aidan’s accident, we have days where we grieve for the little boy we knew and loved before.
Glad ol’ Hooper is OK.
Hugs! Lots of them. Now convince your niece not to swallow teaspoons of cinnamon. Don’t ask! I have no idea why.
Oh man. This must be a common teenage trend. My oldest two are constantly asking if they can do this when their friends are over. One day we will cave and will have to remember to record their experiment.
Ha! The cinnamon challenge! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Ok, that said….
Good on you, girl.
Thank goodness he is fine! Autumn had a seizure a few weeks ago and was walking around the house all spaced out afterward. I thought I might lose her and I followed her around the house for 2 hours just crying because she wouldn’t lay down and wasn’t acting like herself. The thought of something happening to the dog was TOO MUCH – I totally get you and I’m so relieved that Hooper is back to normal. Love you -
I loved this sentence: “I know he’d want me to feel sad that he’s gone, but I also know that he’d hate it if I just gave in and stopped being me, stopped being the woman he loved.” I loved it because most people say oh, he or she wouldn’t want you to feel sad and it made me wanna hug you that you said Chris WOULD’VE. So real. Hugs
And I’m glad Hooper is ok!
You have to make time to do grief work, you will go thru all of the phases, if u fight them, it will come back to bite you in the ass. Allow yourself to grieve, but also laugh out loud.
amen. yo.
Oy Mr. Looper! (I always want to call Hooper that in honor of whatever Sesame Street character, I think Big Bird, who used to screw up Mr. Hooper’s name.) So glad he’s OK.
Once in a while, wallowing is OK. Routine is fantastic because then you can be part of the world and feel ok about wandering off the edge sometimes.
love you.
Oh Hooper. You’re old. Be careful.
I am glad you’re ok.